Posts tagged angels

Postaday2011: making mistakes

There is so much I could say on making a mistake and when I think back on all the decisions in my life I can honestly say I have made my share of bad ones. But have I? I am aware of all the right decisions as they shine out with positive vibes and the consequences have all led to other things. I sometimes think my life has been charmed or at least I have an absolutely amazing guardian angel who gets it right every time!

Each decision I have ever has had two sides to it. Even though it was the right decision for me then someone else had to hurt. On the other hand, had I not made those decisions then I would be hurting. Sometimes we have to choose, those choices are the most difficult in the world.

At one stage in my life I was at the point of suicide, I am ashamed to say that now, but it was just the kindness of someone I knew who sat with me over a cup of tea that got me to take control of my life. That I wasn’t responsible for anyone else’s happiness if they weren’t prepared to meet half way. I made my decision, there was a lot of pain, a lot of bad stuff happened but on looking back to then and examining where I am now, I know it was all part of a pathway I had to travel. I needed those lessons to give me strength for other challenges in my life. My children were hurt back then, but we learned to talk.

Today, they are all fantastic people and all succesful in the pathways they have chosen for themselves. They are also children to be proud of. None of them have been in trouble, they respect the world around them , people and other’s property, nature and each other and well as myself. They all have great interests, hobbies or employment that they excel in and are really good people to be with.  Considering I have 8 children, from different marriages, I think we did ok and I am certainly very proud of each one of them.

Some of my decisions I have regretted initially but it is only on reflection and comparison to my life today that I realise it had to be. I am glad I made those decisions and am proud of myself for making the necessary adjustments to make my life work. It has all been worthwhile to be right where I am at this moment in time.

My secrets are: never hold a grudge; make the best of what you have instead of wishing for something more; forgive easily; never stop loving; never be afraid to say ‘I made a mistake’ and ‘let’s talk’; never be too proud to apologise; if life isn’t working – change it, it’s nobody else’s problem but yours; eliminate the word ‘hate’ from your vocabulary; Love – totally and utterly unconditionally; forgive yourself; smile a lot; be thankful for everything you have and always remember we are all on a different journey, it’s just great if sometimes we cross another’s path and decide to stay, if it doesn’t work out there are always other friends passing through.

So for me, I don’t think there are mistakes, if it happens – it is meant to be, for whatever reason. We might regret a decision at the time but that’s not saying it was a mistake, maybe it just takes a bit of adjustment before we realise that actually, life is great because of… not in spite of. So there are no mistakes, merely new adventures and experiences that will open new worlds and each one of us are responsible for ourselves.

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Battle in the garden!

Bugs! not the sneaky electronic kind, though I suspect they might be much easier to deal with. Actually I reckon they could be quite fun but that’s another story. My battle is with the six or eight legged kind… no, what am I talking about? Snails have only one foot and caterpillars considerable more so forget I said that. What I mean is those with more legs than my cat are the ones I am particularly un-partial to. Horrible things that lurk inside every flower pot just waiting for me to come across them. I am certain it is a deliberate conspiracy, I mean no matter how many times I clear the webs, and hopefully the spiders too, I find myself walking into them as I go down the path… Urgh! But that is just my problem, the ones that attack my effort at growing stuff are the ones that really bug me.

This year I have decided against vegetables, the bugs outnumber me! Instead I thought I would plant flowers. Last week I had an angel visit me, no silly, not the winged kind. I have a friend who I have been friends with since Uni five or six years ago and he is truly one of life’s angels. Every time I speak to him or he sends me some of his writings and musings, he uplifts me. I am transported to wherever he has been. I adore the colourful people he has met and his description of them and I suppose I envy a bit all the travelling he does. Yet, I hate myself for this envy because Bobby has FM and he is so often in dreadful pain, walking eases him and he backpacks all over the UK. I am blessed because I get to share his wanderings but more than that I am blessed with his positivity. When I am in pain and feeling sorry for myself, I just read some of my friend’s writing. He has a magic way of healing self pity, I haven’t worked it out yet but that’s why I call him my angel.

Going back to the visit last week I will give an example of his kindness and generosity. Bobby knows I love my garden and he took me out and bought me some trays of bedding plants. What better reminder to be positive, every time I walk into my garden. That’s what he does. I have planted so many pots with flowers, every little corner of the garden has a little plant growing and because I got back into the garden, I gave in and planted some vegetable seeds, just for fun. I have nowhere to put anything but well, it’s a challenge.

I planted trays of radishes and salad leaves, pots of beetroot, so I grow one to a pot!! kohlrabi – the same one to a pot. I haven’t gone for the big plants apart from two tomato plants a friends husband gave me and  – my pride and joy- a cauliflower!

I hear you laugh and I know it’s not really a flower, honest, but well this is a real challenge. I used to have two, I still do. Well two young plants were given to me and I duly planted them, one is one of last years potato sacks and another in a large pot, so why is one absolutely magnificent while the other a small weedy little thing? I just don’t understand. every day I go out and check the leaves for butterfly eggs and bugs, I water and feed  them carefully, I even talk to them. Even Harry is getting excited about the one cauliflower that is really thriving. It is this cauliflower that also encouraged me to plant more veggies. But this time in small pots singly, more to see what happens than anything.

Going back to the bugs… monkey peas rule ok in my garden, that’s woodlice to everyone else, grubs, caterpillars, flying bugs of every kind, weevils, ants, greenfly… I could go on. I sprayed some ant powder round a pot the other day and I swear I could hear a spluttering coming from beneath it. I moved the pot cautiously to find a tiny frog about the size of an elongated 50p piece. He allowed me to pick him up and just looked at me as if to say, ‘What the heck do you think you are doing?’  I felt guilty as he looked at me, this tiny amphibian sitting perfectly still in my hand who would normally need to be held by his leg to keep him still. The sun was beating down and I was afraid he would dry out so I placed him carefully on a cool rock underneath the ferns beside the shed, apologising profusely. He had disappeared a little later so I hope he suffered no ill effects.

I started to look at all the other creatures in my garden. Tiny ants carrying huge white eggs, spiders making a meal of some fly that might have eaten my plants, monkey peas bustling about trying to keep out of the glaring sun, minding their own business, centipedes scurrying out of sight, tiny red spider mites, so red against the green of the leaves.. Oh so many just doing what come naturally, well until I come along with my sprays and powders. Trouble is I feel sorry for them. I think they call it personification. I imagine the little ant carrying its precious load so carefully, a baby in its arms, the caterpillar just wanting to become a butterfly, snails with their rows of teeth just looking for a place to dine… ooh. I walk away and leave them in peace, my mind torn in two. Do I leave them to run as they please in their busy tiny… destructive ways, or do I kill them and give my poor plants a chance. I do battle with myself. Don’t the plants deserve a chance too?

As I sat and pondered beside the pond I noticed some beautiful damsel flies laying their eggs on the surface plants in the water, others were mating with their beautiful little heart shapes, red ones, blue ones. I watched for a while and I put my insecticides away until I feel stronger… Then as I sat watching again a tiny blue butterfly fluttered past me and sat on the mint. An insect angel saying thank you? Grrr… they won the battle – again… but just for today!

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Philosophy – Forgiveness

I forgave you – but I never forgot. When I heard that you had died I wasn’t sad, but then, I wasn’t happy either. It took me a while but I travelled to you in spirit, gave you my forgiveness and left you with my love.

I guessed you must have been through something really terrible to have been so cruel to us. I thought that maybe, in spirit, you could use that love and forgiveness. Having a hard time yourself was no excuse for what you did but I think I understand. In the end I refused to let you damage the rest of my life and in forgiving you, I was released. I hope my forgiveness shows you how to forgive too.

If I cry today, it is out of sadness for you. For the pain you must have had when you were small. For the anger you carried. For the hardness and cruelty in your heart that must have been so crushing. But most of all because you felt you had to carry it all, a heavy burden, and pass it on instead of forgiving and lightening your load.

I am strong now and what I went through helps me offer an arm to lean on, a listening ear or understanding and empathy to others. You gave me that knowledge so I am thankful to you for that. I stopped crying for my lost childhood a long time ago. I am happy for the lessons I learned and my ability to get to know and understand myself and others like me. I learned to like myself.

It was your misfortune that taught me to be strong, taught me to look for a reason to forgive. It was your coldness that taught me that even the most unlovable person has his own story and still needs to be loved. I know it is difficult in the physical but I understand how easy it is to love, spirit to spirit. So because I learned about pain, fear, anger, despair, loneliness, depression, anxiety and all those other emotions for myself and because I saw your pain, I learned how they might manifest as cruelty in others. I also learned that, in the physical, it is hard to get through the prejudices and conditioning of life in people suffering, just as it was with you. But, and most importantly, I learned that if I visited your spirit, or others in the same position as yourself, I could love and forgive easily. Even better still, I could ask for spiritual love, strength, comfort, hope and angel healing on your behalf.

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I asked the angels…

Sitting alone at home was getting rather boring. My town is a very lonely place and I have trouble getting out, it isn’t much fun on your own. I long for the time when I can take out my grandchildren and I often wish for a small dog, people speak to you then, don’t they. When I worked, I was a teacher in Chichester so all my friends come from over twenty miles away and although I joined the local sprirualist church and writer’s groups and have met quite a few wonderful people, they all have lives of their own and busy ones at that so never having worked over here my circle of acquaintances are really small. I have got to like my own company, I get to please myself what to do, once the housework and meals are sorted out my time is my own. I sew, knit, garden when the weather and my bones let me and I have dozens of other hobbies, embroidery, crossstitch, crochet and painting etc. I haven’t painted for a while. I spent a lot of time on one at the end of last year , one that a relative requested through the internet and like an idiot, I packed it up carefully and sent it. She never paid and despite repeated requests from me and a promise to pay, I have never received a penny from her. I haven’t painted since, it really hurt me that there are dishonest people in the world, sometimes I wish I had a mean streak, I dream of exposing her to her ‘friends’ on FB but I am not that kind of person so I write it off to exerience. I really ought to paint some more, I have unfinished work on my easel, but, lesson learned,  I won’t send any more without the payment first.

Anyway, I was sitting being extremely bored and fed up yesterday and in desperation asked the angels if they could help in any way. I forgot all about it until later that very same evening when Harry’s chiropodist came for her regular visit and we were chatting. She mentioned lacemaking and I got excited. Many years ago I started to make lace but time and children took over and I forgot all about it. I have some beautiful bobbins that someone made for me once but I have never spangled them and they sat in my sewing box along with my patchwork templates. The lady offered to teach me to do torchion lace and I jumped at the chance, having the basic equipment already, how nice it would be to learn it again. It turns out that she has a couple of other friends that she taught and was interested in putting together a small group. Well, I couldn’t resist and I am having my first lesson in 2 weeks time.

I looked out my bobbins and lay them on the table. How beatifully turned each one was in exotic woods, black ebony, redwood, beech, others I have forgotten, and all with unique markings and shapes. They feel so smooth and heavy yet, even in their simple beauty they looked somehow, sort of naked. A short flick through google and I found somewhere to order little glass beads. I shall spangle them, in itself another, and very unique, art. I am getting excited. I even looked up patterns and equipment. I shall need to either make or buy myself a lacemaking pillow, my own having long gone and maybe some pins, although my plain dressmaking pins would do for now but I am looking forward to relearning this wonderful craft.

It then occured to me, I asked for something to help alleviate my boredom and maybe put me in contact of like minded people of my own age! I never expected an answer this quick and certainly not by the evening. I was amazed and to think all I needed to do was to ask. I shall post the results of my first attempts and maybe some pictures of my newly spangled bobbins, once the beads arrive of course.

The other thing we, Harry and I that is, have embarked on is our healthy eating. It has been four weeks on Monday or is it five? not sure must check the dates, but so far Harry has lost 15lbs and I have lost 21lbs. Just another few pounds and I shall  have lost 2 stone. Maybe it will start to show soon but even better than that I shall be in the twenty stone bracket instead of the twenty three plus. So far the food has been great. I am trying a different recipe each day and ok, some have been rather bland but with a bit of adjustment to suit personal tastes, I think they can be resolved. I haven’t missed dairy, wheat, sugar, caffeine, any processed foods at all. My cupboards and fridges are full of healthy foods like beans, lentils and fresh veggies and fruit and although we have a freezer full of meat and do have a meat meal occasionally it has been easy to change our eating habits. The challenge to find a satisfying substitute for English meals of meat, potatoes and veg, or sandwiches and cake is fun. I miss baking too but all the discovery of cooking different tastes and textures have seconded only to the utter amazement of eating things I might have tried but found previously boring , unpalatable or not my taste. It’s all in the preparation! so butternut squash and sweet potatoes are regular additions. Best of all, I have managed to get Harry to eat lentils, something he hated before, without even knowing it. I try to hide my glee when he praises a meal and asks for more and I did resist telling him what was in it, well up to a little while ago when I couldn’t help myself. After a deadpan, unbelieving face he conceded and accepted, it is all in the cooking. So here’s to my guru, Gillian McKeith…. and yes, I hold up a forbidden glass of red wine to her now and again. After all giving up chocolate is one thing but a girl needs a treat once in a while, doesn’t she?

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Today I am still reeling from the book I wrote about yesterday. So many thoughts have been triggered,  images and sounds whirl round and round in my head and I ask myself, is it just because we are bound, as mortal beings, by beginnings and ends, definitions, colours, sounds, images? What if there were no boundaries? what if sound became colour, liquid became sound, solid became a feeling, words became a completeness that encapsulated all those experiences as a single communication and spoke far more in a universal language than we, at this moment in our present mortal situation , can never begin to understand? Then I think back to an experience I had a few years ago whilst walking in my garden and admiring the beauty and colours of the spring  flowers and plants. I stood in front of a forsythia bush laden with yellow flowers and just looked. I noticed their shape, their colour, the brightness of the yellow, I saw the buds of the leaves waiting in the background until the flowers had reached the peak of their beauty and could no longer give any more to this world before they too, then burst open to share their colour. I was half meditating and half just being thankful that I could experience such amazing beauty when something changed. The colours of each individual flower merged with the next and the yellow spread and glowed. It stood out from the bush and vibrated as a golden aura. At first I thought I must be about to faint and shook my head but I didn’t feel dizzy so I watched. As I watched, the aura surrounded me, touched me, warmed me, and I became a part of it and it of me. The colour was no longer solid but a liquid, no longer liquid but a sound, no longer a sound but a fairy tale, a story, a lifetime and I was a part of it all. There was no beginning, no end, nothing solid yet everything real, no sound yet the most beautiful of music, no colour yet irridescent colour so vivid it became its whole. It was many things that, separately, in our world we all know but here in this precious moment, I experienced the total amalgamation of every sense we are aware of. I heard the colour, saw the sound, felt the words… the words…. It is a little like the quote from ‘Landing on Clouds’ that I wrote about yesterday… totally undescribable, but in those moments I learned that there is a place, a time, a knowledge, an understanding of things that are not bound by our limitations. I learned that there is, somewhere in another place and time, no need for language, for image, solid matter, liquid, sound, music, colour or many more ‘things’ that I am unable to describe with our limited language, because they are all one and the same total experience and completely understandable and fulfilling to the spirit. Maybe it is the language of angels that I was honoured to have shared for those moments, but I now know of its existance. I have written about it and shared my experience but contained in our physically limited world I can only use words to describe it, those words are so completely inadequate to share what is undescribable. Then even though I know, I cannot ‘tell’ anyone about it because it is so unbelievable in our physical world. I know it existed. Something in me connected to another world, another time, another place but, I cannot prove it. I therefore shall treasure that feeling, that experience, and I feel happy that, even with the limitations of language, I have shared this experience  and hope that somewhere out there in this world of ours there is someone else who knows, really knows, what I have always known, that we do walk with angels. It’s just that we have to be in right the place in our lives, the right time and the right emotional state before they can slip in beside us and touch us.

I shall continue to read the works of other writers because I know that every time we write, we leave a little of ourselves on the paper, in the words, in the story. I also believe that as we do, it is as it should be. We inspire, comfort, touch others who are at the same place as we are and we give confirmation, encouragement and an understanding of who each of us is. We connect minds. Writing is more than a hobby or an art, it is a means of silent communication, communion, a reaching out and a giving to others who, at any given moment in time, are at the same place we are and need to hear what we are trying to communicate in order to move another step forward in their lives. Yes, writing is more than just words, it is a timeless act of communication and love between the  writer and the reader, and as such a communication between souls and a life beyond who we all are in this world.

So, I hear you say, she’s lost it! but what if? and who are we to question such things? Maybe others feel the same or have had similar experiences, then this is what being a writer is all about. Add the imagination, relate to what others understand but most of all believe what you write about and let the forces beyond our comprehension do the rest.

PS. Any publishers in the real world out there, we need your help too . M X

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