Postaday2011: Catching up

I have five minutes to myself, my granddaughter and her friend have gone out until this afternoon and I have the day to do what I want in. Funny how quiet it all is again. However it does give me a few moments and I am catching up on reading some blogs and sneaking in a catch up blog for those I missed.

I saw that one of the topics offered was ‘if I was invisible, where would I go etc.’ and it got me thinking. How lovely it might be to become the fly on the wall and visit people and friends I have known all over my life to see what they are doing now. I wonder what I would find. Of course that invisibility might encapsulate the time factor too so that I could go back and see us back when we were close too.

I have many friends who, over time, our friendship has lapsed for many different reasons. We moved away to other towns, got married or simply just moved on. A lot of those friendships can be evaluated by those we kept in touch with and several, although we live so far apart and don’t always keep in touch regularly, when we do meet or speak again it is as if time has no meaning and we pick up from where we left off. There were others that meant such a lot to me but obviously not to the other person because they drifted away. The memories of our time spent together are still precious today.

When I was young my friendships were very important, maybe because of my poor childhood at home, perhaps they were some stability in my uncertain world. They were the ones that hurt when they drifted apart. I had one particular friend that I met in infant school, we went all through junior school as best friends, we hung out all the time and shared girly secrets. Coming from a family of boys, she was my lifeline to the girly world rather than the rough and tumble fun world I shared with my brothers. I learned so much from her.

As we grew older and moved to secondary education we were integrated with girls from other junior schools and that was when our relationship changed. Other friends that she had known became more of a focus than I was and we drifted apart. It was a hard time for me as that was the worse time in my home life too. I would love to go back and find out why that friendship changed, was it me that changed? I didn’t think so. Maybe she needed more, or something different that I was unable to give to our friendship. I did visit her once or twice after we both got married, especially when she had her babies but it was clear that there was no relationship there any more, she never visited me, and so we moved on. I pray she is happy, I know her children and grandchildren through my own and they are all really great people.

I remember a little poem I found back then as a young mum and I kept it for many years and took it out to look at time and time again. It kept me going. I cannot remember the exact words but it was by Patience Strong and it went along the lines of ‘Life changes, so do we, other friends will take the place of those who drift away…’ In my world, precious things were to be cherished always,knowing that not everyone wants or needs the same as I did was one of the hardest lessons I have ever learned.

I think that slipping invisibly back in time would be the only thing I would want to do, just to see if the conclusions I came to and the lessons I learned were right or if I could have done something differently. Then I think, maybe I am not meant to know, that the thoughts I kept were the real reason I shared those experiences and were the important factor that made me who I am today. Maybe, revisiting them would be too painful. I think that might be the case so it would be much better to leave the past as, the past.

So what would I do today if I had an invisible cloak? I am not sure I would want to go anywhere that might reveal something about myself. I try to keep to an image of who I want to be and I like that image. Maybe someone might say something to me that would shatter that little comfort zone? I have always tried to lead a good life, growing up as a Christian, my pathway was strong and straight, one example was, not something secret that I found out, but having had to break a long time friendship because the person was sucking me dry emotionally and drowning me in negativity, I was told I had a  ‘holier than thou’ attitude. Hearing that told me that it was the right time for that friendship to change but it hurt. Do my Christian values fit into this hard and often cruel world?

It made me question long and hard. Today I have faith rather than religion, I am spiritual rather than religious but every single value I have learned and nurtured my entire life has been based on truth, honesty, courtesy, consideration, forgiveness and love, for others as well as myself. I began to embrace that ‘handle’, at least all I have worked hard at is apparent and I still hold those values close to me. I am no less a part of this world with all its harshness but I have my inner faith to guide and keep it all together for me.

So I don’t think, after all, that I would use my cloak to find out anything about myself. I think that comes through understanding as we travel through life, but, I would love to use invisibility to travel both through time and to places that interest me. I’d visit famous monuments and find out just what the history really was, I’d slip silently into places where I couldn’t normally go so I could learn and understand how our history came about, why people have made the decisions they have. I think I would draw the line at spending time watching  the bad bits of history before they happened because I would want to change it. I don’t think that would be good but imagine see how the Pyramids were really built, what people thought about, how they lived for real. Watching Stonehenge in the same way and knowing what it was for. Seeing the harsh reality of the Dark Ages and so on. All the history as it happened I would see, as I watched in my invisibility, I would travel the world and fly with the birds, swim with the fish, hunt with the lion…

I think then, that maybe if the wonders of the unknown were made clear to me, would life still be as curious to me? If I knew the purpose of some things, would they be less meaningful? Hmmm. You know, much as I would like to know so many things I think it is better to hold onto that curiosity. Once the reason to seek and find out has gone, what else is there?

I think I might just hang my cloak of invisibility up somewhere at the back of the cupboard and forget it was there. After all, I like my world, I like who I am and love all those around me. What more do I need to know?

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