Postaday2011: Regaining trust

This is another interesting topic and one I feel really strongly about. I have had a lot of experience of broken trust over the years and have spent a lot of time pondering over it. For me, giving my trust to someone is the most precious thing I can give but in return I expect that trust not to be broken. I guess other factors and emotions come into play when the word trust is bandied about.

Firstly, once a trust is broken there is a deep sadness. Something special has  been lost from that relationship, something that opens the doors to jealousy, anger and hatred. It’s like a lie, once you know someone has lied, how can you know when they are telling the truth. I am afraid once I have been lied to I no longer take anything that person says as gospel unless I know otherwise. I know it sounds very petty but I would not lie to anyone, I just cannot. It’s funny, my children can’t lie either. OK, I taught them that honesty is the best policy and when they were children I could tell if they weren’t telling the truth. I used to say to them that their eyes gave them away, so I get them to repeat what I think might be a fib while I look into their eyes. It is true, a lie will make the eyes dilate and I always watch for that in people, but in the children, they would just laugh and give in knowing they couldn’t argue it. Even today, if I look them in the eye, they will tell me straight.

It’s really nice because as they grew up it meant I could trust them and because I trusted them, they were trustworthy. The older they got the more trustworthy they have become and I am proud of each of them for that. Each one of them has good morals, cares about those around them and respects people and property. And to think, when they were young, it started with a bluff. I laugh nowadays because they still cannot lie to me, not that they do very often and when they do it is usually some joke they are playing on me. They have to catch me unawares though and they do, often.

In a relationship, I think honesty has to be top of the list because if I am unable to trust that person, I don’t want to be with them. I don’t want those feelings that are associated with lack of trust and if I offer total honesty then I expect it back. I don’t mean the little things like compliments and I am not obsessive about it and go looking for it but if I am exposed to it then it is the end for me. It is that important.

If circumstances mean that I need to maintain, or choose to maintain that relationship it is on a totally different level. I have to distance myself from that emotion. I refuse to feel jealous or angry because I don’t want to so I detach myself emotionally. To everyone else, including the person, everything seems the same but I am no longer prepared to love totally anyone I cannot trust. I feel sorry for them because they have lost my deepest love and it will never come back, they have lost my respect and I have distanced myself from them to prevent me from being hurt any more.

It is quite nice really because I become more independent and self-reliant, I think it has been important to me and the way I have lived my life. Sadly, I have to say that it is mostly men that have broken that trust and usually ones that I am close to. If it were a friend the friendship remains but I no longer believe what I am told unless I know it to be true.

What about machines? Hmm that’s a difficult one, but I think it is the same. Once it has let me down it is time to trade it in for a newer model. It is no good holding your breath and praying it will be ok when  it could break down or fall apart at any moment. Much the same as people I guess.

I often used to wonder where the way I am came from but looking back over my past it is not difficult to see why I need honesty and trust in a relationship. My father lied to me when he left. That was the first instance of a lie that I ever knew. It just happened to be such an important one. ‘I will be back, I promise.’ he said. But he never came back, in fact I rarely saw him at all and when you are only nine or ten, you learn that people lie and become wary, you learn not to trust what is said to you.

I am glad really, because if he hadn’t done that I might have grown up without knowing how important it is to tell the truth. I taught my children honesty and of all the things I am proud of in them, honesty is high on my list. It has set a precedence though, and one that isn’t going to change in the near future for me, that’s for sure.

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2 Responses so far »

  1. 1

    “Firstly, once a trust is broken there is a deep sadness. Something special has been lost from that relationship, something that opens the doors to jealousy, anger and hatred. It’s like a lie, once you know someone has lied, how can you know when they are telling the truth. I am afraid once I have been lied to I no longer take anything that person says as gospel unless I know otherwise.”

    You are so right here…..the reason i set up my blog was because of lack of trust….a long story …….but my faith was lost in human nature …i throw myself into writing about my grandchildren for example, because they are sometimes the only people i feel i can trust…..great blog
    Ian

    • 2

      wordangell said,

      Thank you Ian, life is so hard sometimes. I am blessed in that I trust my children and treasure my grand children but life has put me on guard always and I can tell instantly whether I can trust someone or whether I can’t. The little ones are just so innocent and pure, they really are such a joy. Marie


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