Inner thoughts

How hard it is to be a person in this world? How easy a statement to make, yet, if each of us were to bear our soul, how many pains would we reveal? Tonight I watched Lee Evans on TV, now TV isn’t my personal choice of entertainment, I call it the idiot box. Well it is true, isn’t it? They perform, we watch… but if the box in on no matter what garbage is on there, we watch. It compells us, draws us in and obliterates original thought or experience. That is society today but I like to think I still have original thought. Tonight as I watched the TV, at the end of the show Lee concluded the show with a fantastic tribute to his father, I have to confess, I was in tears. Why because I haven’t had that experience in my life. I don’t have a parent to look up to and it made me so sad and start to wonder, if only…..

It also made me  wonder what sort of a parent I might have been. I like to think I broke the mould and protected my children as best as I could. I am proud of myself in one way, at least my children are able to confront me, or should I say come to me and talk about the things they were unhappy with and we were able to talk it through and resolve it… No matter how much it hurt me, I felt it important to listenand acknowledge their hurt or pain. All I could do was to apologise for the way I was/ handled things. I felt helpless they were so right. I wish I had been a stronger mum, wish I could have been able to put their needs before mine, or at least come to a comfortable compromise. My trouble was I never had anything to compare with, no good parenting, no loving, no constructive discipline, no security, nothing that gave me a solid grounding upon which to become a good parent myself. I was so in need of love myself that I found it hard to split my own needs with theirs, even though I thought did my best, it wasn’t enough at times.

One of my daughters once said to me how could  have so many children knowing I couldn’t support them… my answer I could’nt tell her… like so many people.. until you walk a mile in my shoes…. I never knew how to be a good mother/parent because my life was such that at ten years old, I was the parent to my four younger brothers… nobody taught me and I have made many mistakes…. however it is only now as I am nearing sixty, I can reflect on everything I have done in my life…. I have so many regrets, especially those that have been pointed out to me by my children… How wonderful are they.. they show me that at least I have done some thing good in that they can speak to me and talk about the unhappinesses in their lives. Oh how I wish  had parents like that.

I think I had so many children because I just loved being a parent, loved being a mother, maybe even I hoped I could be the mother I wished I always had. You know, the one your friends always had… One thing I know, I did my best with the knowledge I had at the time and beyond everything else, I loved my children more than anything.  We has some great adventures, some fun times, some great country experiences.  There are things I have shared with each child that the others know nothing about. My kids call me the ‘keeper of all secrets’ and yes that is true. Maybe that is the secret of being a good mummy… never betraying the confidences of each child. At the end of the day none of us know how to be a good parent, no matter what we do, we are criticised. I t is the natural path of events, it has to be and at the end of the day our children need to be able to express themselves and become the people they need to be and also, at the end of the day it is the natural progession of life that we, as parents, will never be as knowledgeable as our children.

This brings me back to the unaswerable question about parenting. How can we be good parents if we never had an example, a good example to compare to. I had only dreams and to some extent I upheld my dreams but these were only things that were fed to me through life experience and mostly because they were thing  dreamed of for myself.. My wonderful grandparents gave me the most securityI had in my childhood and to this day I revere them for all they gave to me, I feel sad I was unable to express to them the gratitude for the security  and love they showed at the time because of my immaturity. I hope in spirit they will know…

Today, I am proud of the adults my children have become. I believe that each of us have life experiences according to our needs in order to ‘grow’ and I am so proud of each one of them. I have learned never to judge, my thoughts are not theirs but the hardest thing ever is to see the torments and  pain of life… the hardest lesson I learned was that we can never cry their tears…. though I have cried for each one of my children, they will never know….and I have born the pain of ‘what if’. Could I have done things differently? Could I have interfered? Should I have?

My biggest pain is that I know one of my children will never ‘make old bones’ as they say… Hard words, but not words spoken without tears. I will write in a further blog about this wonderful son of mine who , even though a lot of people would dismiss as a bum, as a drunk, is actually a wonderful person who could teach the world many things.

Can you imagine an acoholic and drug addict… ok so your image is someone who is also the thief, burglar, a bad person…. so many other things that TV shows you.. that is my son. Can you imagine the pain. My son is the most wonderful person you can imagine… for all his troubles, despite all the help we have given him, he has remained in the place he needed to be. Yet in that place he has supported and helped so many people. He has never been in trouble, has no criminal record and owes nobody anything and declares he is happy and that is no-ones fault but his own because he made his decisions… Should  I happy? he wants that so much yet I am here at this moment knowing my lovely son is closer to the end of his life at 38 than the beginning, because of his choices.  We all love him, yet none of us has been able to to help him out of this place….

The best writing is tied up at the end with the beginning and here I conclude, ‘how hard it is to be a person in this world!’ Consequences, things that happen because…. most of us never think about it but always in the back of my mind is my part in the consequence of events in the wheel of life, the life that each of my children have made for themselves.

Forgive me for my publishing of my inner thoughts… probably nothing, a few glasses of wine that releases them… but maybe some of these feelings might just touch other people who are holding onto thoughts that keep them in a place that they too could escape from if they shared them with others who understand… xxx

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