The best laid plans

I had so many plans today, bake make marmalade, clean, prepare for tomorrow when I see my grandsons for the first time in five years… Not for any reason apart from they live in Switzerland and it isn’t always easy to get together. My plans for today were to do all the above as well as bake biscuits and cakes for the grandchildren and I did my best but at some point I had to find space for something and couldn’t and so ended up sorting out the cupboards instead. I did make the marmalade and polish the furniture with my, extremely green, olive oil and lemon homemade polish. So tomorrow I have to get up early, vacuum, shower, breakfast, bake biscuits and cakes and all before they arrive…. Well I am a woman, multi tasking and all that.

It is so easy to worry and panic that things haven’t been done and I am, by absolute unashamed confession, a bit of a neat freak. I have images in my head of how I want things to be, and I do aim for that, but seldom does it happen as I want it. The thing is, at what point do I stop and say, I will be accepted for who I am not what people see around me. I think my trouble is that I have this perfect picture in my head a bit like a film where everything is played to perfection. Maybe I spend too much time alone, I don’t know, but I strive for the best scenario. For tomorrow I imagine the little family arriving. My daughter in law, a male friend and the two boys. [My son and his wife are separated] I, as Grandma welcome them with open arms, we all chat and have home made biscuits and a drink before lunch… but the boys are 8 and 11, they will be bored, so I have games, toys and a games console to amuse them… but I want to play with them rather than chat.. I don’t know them and I really want to. I pray that their Mum is happy to leave them here while they go out and explore the town. Yet all my plans are silly, so, so stupid. Why cannot I stop planning and just enjoy the moment, I know it makes sense yet I do it every time. Once the moment arrives I am happy to sit back and let what happens, happen. Yet before I have to plan, work myself silly and dream.

I find it incredible that on two days running I have had two remnders to let go and let God…. Last evening in church the reading was a poem actually called ‘Let go and let God’. Strangely, I have it printed on a card that I have kept for many, many years. Then I follow a blog from Fiona Robyn, see my links, and it was entitled, let go and let it come to you. It is right you know. If I just relaxed and let things happen, if I let go of my plans and dreams and just saw what happened, I am sure it would happen anyway and it would be a success. I have no idea why I need to be in control apart from having a very unstructured, imperfect childhood. Maybe I have seen so many ideals in films, read in books and then maybe I live too much in my own head, maybe I have too many wishes I need fulfilled. I don’t know what, then I question, is it not those things that make me a writer? What I do know that is once, I had a dream, my dream came true and was almost perfect, almost, but it was enough to give me  so much happiness that in this time of my life when life gives so much less than I want from it, that I dare to dream again. I try to live in a similar way, I grow things in my garden, vegetables and fruit. I have a wildlife area, I treasure the pond  and the wildlife from it, I do all my own cooking and baking, no processed food in my kitchen, I am doing my best to be green, not always easy in a busy town and I am trying to re create the feeling I had when I was in my ‘dream come true’ time.

I don’t know if any more of my dreams will come true but I think I need to keep dreaming and aiming for that ideal. If I give up for one second I have lost everything I believe in. Positive thinking, prayer and belief in both ourselves and our dreams are important to give us something to aim toward. The danger is when that dream becomes an obsession that overtakes all other events and that is where those two reminders I have had come into play. Let go and let God…. What will be will be, if it is meant to happen it will happen and if it doesn’t then it wasn’t meant to be.  #

So I haven’t achieved everything I planned for tomorrow and I must and will accept that it will all happen anyway, therefore I will let go of all my plans and enjoy the day as it unfolds. How much better I am sure it will be, all because I haven’t put myself under all that pressure.

‘The best laid plans of mice and men’ and all that, tomorrow I am going to relax and enjoy the day, I give it to the universe, to God, to the angels and to whoever has influence over what will be. I will do the things I want to do but not ‘because’… tomorrow I will enjoy the day for what it is and just see what it brings to me for a change, instead of the other way around….

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